Constantly Blessed

10507 miles away from home: Just thinking...

2011-03-10T22:29:00.000-08:00

Really proud of my dear friend Ashlee....and all she is doing. Read her blogs to keep tabs on her and what God is doing in her life and in the lives around her.

10507 miles away from home: Just thinking...: "When I came to South Africa I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I know that my heart is going to break more time than I can count.... Twice a..."

Moving Forward: "What can I control?"

2011-02-05T14:32:00.000-08:00

The name of this blog isn't because I want to straight up define "Control". I mention control because this is where life has me now. I am all about control, worried about it constantly, and can't seem to let it go. Even saying the "C" word is a sickening feeling in my stomach. (or it could be that I haven't eaten yet today). I haven't written in my blog in almost a year. 2010 has been all about picking up the pieces from 2009's trials and tribulations and breaking them down, filtering out what is unimportant and really fine tuning...well...Selena. 2010, I worked as a floater in a preschool...loved it till the very end. I started a new job at a new preschool, and well...I already feel like I am getting the experience I need in order to be on the "Teacher path". The job is a breath of fresh air. Don't get me wrong, my old job gave me experience, but what it really did was facilitate my love for preschoolers. It gave me a great foundation for the future and if the stuff I didn't like about the job changes, then I would go back in a heart beat.
The whole reason I am even bringing up my work life is because the whole process of changing jobs was a HUGE learning experience. The biggest thing I want to share with the world is that I learned a couple things about Control. My dad asked me "what can you control?" And that question set the tone of how I handled everything from the job interview to the exit interview.
It was a long road from beginning to end, but I will tell you...it's not the end by any means. This is just the beginning for me. This new job has so much opportunity for me to grow in this field, and I am so excited for all that is ahead. It's been a little scary starting something new, however, I am really trying to continue to move forward and not worry about too many details before they happen. (More control issues...I am a preventer...::Sigh::)
Spiritually speaking, (because the most important thing throughout all of this is my walk with Jesus) God has been so patient with me through all of this. I have been so anxious these last couple months, having bad dreams, melt downs, let downs, over excitements, but I have moved forward seeking advice from the right people, and yielded to the Lord for him to open all the doors to make this all possible. I am only here because of the Lord. Like I said, this job is an opportunity. They took a chance on hiring me because they liked my personality. In their eyes, I didn't have enough experience, but they are willing to work with me and train me so that that part goes smoothly.
My goal this year, is to stay focused on staying on top of my school work, my curriculum, keep this mindset of a "learner" and not a "know-it-all", and the attitude of Jesus Christ! I want success in this part of my more than anything. And honestly, I am so scared it's all going to fall apart. I gave up a very comfortable, but unhealthy job, so I feel like I took a risk in taking this new position. But they took a risk on me. So I need to MOVE FORWARD. That's what this year is going to be all about: MOVING FORWARD. That's all I can do, and that is all I can control. I expect to make new friends, grown closer to my creator, and hopefully lose some weight. (I need energy God for all of this!!!! For I was exhausted after my first week of work.)
To cheers to new beginnings, and cheers to moving forward.

A work in Progress.

2010-02-13T00:04:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to think that having Catholic roots can be a nice thing. Anytime I hear a name that begins with "Saint" I instantly think of the times I sat in mass and heard these people quoted. I used to cringe every time. But these saints are believers in Christ. The same Christ I have given my life to. What's the big deal that they got their fellowship and worship God in a traditional catholic setting rather than the one I am used to? Haven't I been told a billion times that "God isn't to be put in a box, he's not the building the building was put there for people to gather together and worship their creator"?

"Their creator"

My creator.

I am handmade by God.

Saint Augustine (yes, a saint) wrote something that has been on my mind for the last couple weeks. We've been talking about it at The Bridge

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

The part that has just POPPED out to me is
"O Divine Master"

It brings me back to the fact that not only is He my father but he is my master. I am his masterpiece. O divine master, make me an instrument of your work. I am created to love. I am created to adore Jesus.

Toby mac said in his song Made to love, "What ever happened to a passion I could live for?"
For the last decade of following Jesus I spent most of it thinking if I moved my own body in gear towards Jesus and letting the motions convince my mind that I am a follower of Christ then that would certainly be enough to satisfy my faith; and to satisfy any expectations that other Christians had on me.

**Insert loud obnoxious voice here**

WRONG ANSWER!

My eyes opened a few years ago when the Lord turned the focus off satisfying myself and my own spiritual craving and focusing on the those around me and serving my fellow believers, and non-believers, in love.

Geez, I could just kick myself, I spent so much time judging people in my head.

I know now that it isn't about pleasing man. I live to please my creator. He not only created me, but He is still working on me! Never will He stop.

So this "O, divine master" thing. It's said by Saint Augustine...not a bad guy. Justa genuine lover of God who went out to spread the love of God and remind everyone that we are all a work in progress. I will never be finished. God is always working on me as a potter does clay. I've been his 25 year old project and still counting.

My prayer is that I continue to remember this and encourage others and love others as this Saint did.

Matthew 6:33 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well"

Fear no Evil......

2009-12-26T22:12:00.000-08:00

I am finding the older I get the harder it is to put what I'm thinking into words. As surprising as that may sound to anyone who really knows me...it's a true statement. I've been signing in and out of blogger desperately wanting to write something. But what would I write about? The highlights of my year? Well...the one thing that got me from crappy thing to other are friends and my mom. I lived the first 9 months of 2009 in pity, depression even, and selfishness....no one would ever guess this about me of course because I did not display that but if you spent enough time with me then you would know something was up. I don't even remember the first 9 months very well because I lived in this constant routine that I could not get out of. I cried desperately to the Lord to pull me out several times....I begged, I pleaded...it felt like he really wasn't listening. However He was walking with me the whole way. If you asked me how I got through each month on the money I was making I could not tell you because even I don't know. I didn't even have extra money to give to God. All I had was time and even that was precious since I had to take all the hours at work that I could to even make my bills every month. I'm laughing at the moment because I don't understand why I didn't wake up sooner. My Aunt Marti died last summer...she writes the Hoye news letters every month. She has been battling cancer for a couple years so when she left to be with the Lord I was happy for her but so sad that a piece of my childhood had basically vanished. I went to southern california for almost two weeks to spend time with my Dad's side of the family. It's a whole other world down there. T his last visit seemed to be the easiest one for me. NO one was trying to change me...no one made any comments about how my dad lives his life or how I live mine...I didn't get any judgements...I got unconditional love...I even felt respected...and I didn't once get treated like a child. That trip, you could say, was a turning point in my life, something in me snapped and realized I didn't like the way I was living. I think it was because I was out of my routine and I could look at it from a different perspective. As soon as I got home I started classes and I somehow landed a job at a preschool. Something I've wanted for months..and it seemed unreachable. The next thing I knew I was moving into a great apartment with the best roommate I could ask for. (Picture of us on the right
Not a month later, when I though I'd be walking everywhere...my cousin helped me get an amazing deal on a car. I look back at all these things...why do these things in life seem to make us happy?My only thought on happiness is that I seem to be most happy when I feel safe, secure, and protected. Funny eh? All these years of self-sufficiency and independence and I need security to feel happy. WOW. To admit that outloud is almost absurd but it's the truth. Now that I have my own space, a safe car to get me where I need to go, and a job that I enjoy to go to every morning...I am happy. Genuinely happy. Now how do I spread this happiness with the people I affected back when I wasn't happy? I certainly don't have life figured out but I really really want to look at the people I have in my life now and see what I can do to bless them. Because I am truely constantly blessed, even if it doesn't feel like a blessing. That year of darkness brought me closer to the Lord than I had ever been. It wasn't just a close as in "i read the bible" close...it brought me a more intimate relationship with my savior who loves me in my darkest hours. Unbelieveable. I still don't believe I deserve it...but I walk with Him in faith. I'm done waiting for my life to start....it has already started! I just need that extra push when it comes to classes...because I have felt defeated for so long in that department. God put the desire to become a teacher...and I know one day it will happen!!
Some food for thought....<3>"For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them." (Ephesians 5:8-11)

"Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken."
(Proverbs 3:25,26)

The End of an Era

2009-06-10T22:31:00.001-07:00

For the past month and a half, I’ve been going to a grief care group with my friend Leah to support her and the sudden and tragic loss of one of her friends. Little did I know that God had another plan for me.….

Before I get into what I learned tonight….you need to know about two incredible women that I had the privilege of knowing. First there was Donna. I met Donna at 10 years old and she eventually became my step mom. Now Donna was in my life for six short years, but those were prime years for me. It was a time in my life when my parents divorce was super fresh and I pushed away my Mom and defended my Dad. Ugh, it’s sad to even admit I did that. But anyways, I even called Donna “Mom”….she was the mom role in my life, someone who was there for me, I spent a lot of time with her….vented to her about everything, and she always knew what to do. She was my best friend. I watched her go through Chemo…all the pain from it…and in her last days I witnessed so much a 15 year old should not have to watch. That whole time in my life is a completely different story and maybe I’ll blog about it someday but for now…you just need know that she meant a lot to me. One of our last conversations included her saying “Selena….promise me…No matter what…Never lose sight of Jesus.” With my face in her hands I looked at her in tears and told her “I won’t“. She had a strong and beautiful faith in Jesus…..
Then there was Judy. Judy was my next door neighbor for almost 12 years. She has a daughter, Hilary who is exactly a month older than me. I was over there a lot playing with Hilary and her brother. I have a lot of fun memories with Judy too….but my favorite one was when I was 9 years old. I had an argument with my mom, and I ran out of the house crying…and ended up at Judy’s door. At first I was going to ask for Hilary. But Judy said she wasn’t home, and it was almost like she knew I was in distress because before I could answer she said “Selena, what’s going’ on girl?”. I broke down in tears blubbering my story. In the middle of it she invited me in and we went upstairs to continue our conversation. She sat me down and she gave me a huge hug. And she asked me if I have ever asked Jesus into my heart. I shook my head and asked her what she meant. Her answer made Jesus so real to me…apparently not only was there a God which I was raised to believe…but He loves me…and He wants to be my comforter and my everything…it was personal. God wanted to be personal to me. Judy prayed with me…and I asked Jesus into my heart. I never really told this story…I’ve always said I was born again when I was 13 with Donna , at Woman’s Conference in Fresno. But it was actually four years prior. It’s funny how many times I rededicated my life to the Lord till I finally realized that He is called my PERSONAL savior for a reason. Now when ever I need to get right with the Lord, I do it in a private environment. But anyways….

So back to tonight; on my drive home tonight all these memories of Judy flooded through my mind. Good memories. Tonight at the session we talked about Saying goodbye to our loved ones. And what “Goodbye” really meant. I wasn’t really sure then, but on the drive home I realized that saying the words Goodbye to Judy and Donna meant saying goodbye to my childhood…that era in my life. It was a bittersweet moment that called for more tears. I needed to let go of that era…my childhood was tough. I had a family who loved me…but it was emotionally hard. And it was very appropriate to say good bye to all of that tonight. It’s time. But the reality scared me…and I broke down right there in my car in front of my home…in front of God…after I spilled out everything I needed to say…I listened to God….in that moment He validated how I was feeling and gave me a peace about moving forward. Saying goodbye to Donna took breaking my ritual visits to her grave a couple years ago….but saying goodbye to Judy….made me realize that I don’t have to say Goodbye. I need to let it all go, yes. But I can take all the memories with me; the good ones. It is very healthy to grieve…in fact it is a must if you want to fully move forward in life. Don’t you ever think for one second, that when you lose a loved one that you have to move forward the next day…or that you have to be strong for everyone all the time. Allow yourself to go through the cycle of grief, seek support right away, don’t isolate yourself, and most of all please know that you have a God that is right there ready to comfort you. Allow Him to work in you to bring healing. It may take a while…but everyone grieves at a different pace and it is not important WHEN you say good bye and move forward…it is only important that you DO.
Donna, Judy….you were extraordinary women…and I will forever cherish the memories…may your legacies live on in the lives of others and may those memories continue to bring joy into my daily thoughts.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this….I don’t normally blog this deep…but it’s time to let my own lessons bless others and not be so scared to be vulnerable.

<3

The Cry

2009-03-02T19:13:00.001-08:00

Oh Father how can I give all that I have
if my heart and mind are consumed of the things of this world?
Open my eyes so that I might be able to see past the things that fog my eyes from you.
I need you to break my walls Lord so that I can accept all that you have for me.

Never did I imagine I would be here
in a place where I feel has no progression of life, yet bitter sweetly, it feels exactly right
because of who you've placed around me.
Comfort me Lord so that I am comfortable where I am but not so comfortable that I can not move along with your waves when it's time.
Please break my walls Lord, so that I can accept all that you have for me.

The regrets that secretly consume me have dove deep down in my soul, if love covers all wrongs then why does it still haunt me? Why can't decisions be final with no question Lord?
I want to surrender all to your throne, my hands are far up past the ceiling reaching for your guidance. Can't you see that it has been difficult to raise those hands for you!? My arms are tired, my breath is low, and I want more of you.
Oh God, break my walls so that I can accept all that you have for me.

This world has nothing for me, I live in it so that you may be acknowledged, discovered, and glorified. My heart desires something deeper...but I don't know what that is. Are you preparing me for something? As long as you are right there by my side, as you have been all along...I know I can go on.
Oh God, break my walls so that I can accept all that you have for me.

Let not my expectations go further than your eyes. Guide me in the ways of the Father. I can not yet see exactly what you might have for me, but I have the promise of hope and the promise of your unfailing love to motivate me. People will come and go, Abba, but you...you live in me forever. You are all I need.
Abba, what if my walls are broken?....
.....I run into your arms
awaiting
for all you have for me.

Selena Marie <3

A New Year is Here!

2009-01-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

So it is 2009 and another year has flown by. It is so insane because I feel like I was just celebrating 2008 with my sister and some new friends at Lydia Fitch's house. What's amazing is I have grown close with quite a few of those people! I even did engagement and wedding photo's for one of them. This last year has been a year of new found friendships, self-discovery, and a new appreciation on for God's good, kind, loving and generous heart.
I have gone through four cars this year. Not because I don't know how to take care of a car. But because for some reason they didn't work out for me. And I am still in the same position I was this time last year. But this time, I don't feel alone. I don't feel deserted, I know that things will work out. I know that if I DO get stranded somewhere, I have a friend close by that would come get me. God has been so good in putting several people in my life who I can count on. Which leads me to this year's resolution. I really want to be someone people can count on, without putting too much pressure on myself. I mean, is that even possible? I don't know, but I really want to be confident in this area in my life. I don't want to be perfect at it, but I think it's a good goal for myself. An even better one for the loving people in my life. I want to be there for them.

This paragraph is actually being written a few weeks after I started writing this whole post. And so much has happened. I have been easily attacked emotionally; I have been feeling bogged down by all these things I need to do, and money issues...and the fact that I don't feel secure in my job. I love my job, don't get me wrong at all, but I am realizing that it may not be the best place for me to be in in order to achieve my goal; my bachelor's degree! I have been so tempted to drown in my discouragement...in fact the other night, I think I did drown. I pulled an all nighter the night before and by the time 8pm rolled around that night I was so tired I was sleep walking. When I pulled into my driveway, I bursted into tears of anger. I have let my stress get to me. What was I doing wrong?! I thought my boundaries were set enough to not overly work myself and pass out. But somehow I got to a point where I was thinking..."I am not angry with YOU God, but I AM ANGRY! What the hell do I do with my anger?!!?" I do not handle anger well. I don't like being angry. And anger has not been any kind of problem with me. But now that I am experiencing it I find myself being more honest, more forward, and more intentional in my daily decisions.

Does anyone relate to all this?! Am I just being silly in my transparency? I am forcing myself to sit down right now and write this blog, and just write out my thoughts hoping to find some kind of resolution to my feelings. God has been so good to me, I could just go on for days telling you what he has done for me. But I am at a point where I feel like this is rediculous. And as I am saying all this stuff, I bet God is saying "That's right, Selena, you tell me your feelings! You say it however you like, I want to hear it. Let it out!" God wants us to be real with our feelings. Isn't that part of loving ourselves? If I don't even accept and validate my own feelings then how can I love myself? Hmmmmmm

At the bridge we are going through this passage in Hosea and I would like to share it with all of you before I conclude. My personal interpretations are in italics.
Hosea 10:12
"Sow for yourselves righteousness, have a lifestyle that strives to be Christ-like
reap the fruit of unfailing love, when you loves others unconditionally, it is so rewarding and a true blessing.
and break up your unplowed ground; let yourself be challenged every once in a while
for it is time to seek the Lord but include the Lord in everything you do
until he comes and he will!
and showers righteousness on you." doing these things IS striving to be Christ-Like...and it's a life-style.

How did he do it?

2008-12-12T01:01:00.000-08:00

So quite some time ago I referenced in my blog a story in the bible where Jesus was just chillin' on this boat in the middle of the storm while everyone was freaking out and he was just lying there cool as a cucumber. I mean really, how did he do it? I am in one of the biggest storms in my life and I am trying so hard to stay calm in it but man is it a challenge!!
It is so easy to seem chill and calm on the outside but honestly, I get disheartened sometimes when I see someone that has something I seriously need and they take it for granted. Is that bad to say? I truly feel that way sometimes. I don't mind working my ass off just to get my GE done in school or scrounging pennies just to put gas in my car...but seriously why does it seem like it will never end? In my ideal world I have a great paying job with a great car, having money to save up for rainy days.....but I'm gonna just keep working towards that and not get too discouraged. Life is hard!! At the Bridge, my young adults group, we have talked about how rough seasons in our life are like birthing pains....they are painful times but in the end a beautiful thing is born. So I just need to keep focused on the path ahead of me and not get bogged down by all the crappy obstacles on the way. I could even say some of those obstacles aren't so crappy because I feel so good with I get through them.

Thank you to all who encourage me. And I hope this journal entry encourages you not to get too discouraged by the hard times but to keep your eyes forward and be grateful for the good quality things going on in your life!!
Bless you all!
Love, Selena

2008-11-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I had the joy and blessing of speaking to the kids at U-Turn. I was interview about my story and experience with being a kid of divorce. It is such a strong issue amongst kids these days and with the holidays coming up it seemed more than appropriate to talk straight about it.
It took me a long time to view my story from the divorce as something I and other could learn from. I always just viewed it as this mess of a thing that I eventually would have to organize. Growing up in a broken home was a normal thing for me, and yet it took me till the last few years to realize that it didn't make it healthy. In fact my situation was very unhealthy. My parents did not get along at all as human beings. They were constantly in conflict with each other about communication issues, money, getting time with my sister and i, Holiday sharing, and stupid little things. They were mainly hostile from the time I was 8 to the time I was 16 or 17. After that they just didn't need to talk to each other since Nikki and I were old enough to communicate. Having two birthday celebrations, two Christmas', two Easter's, two different churches for a while, two difference sets of lives really was the norm. I'd forget things at one house, or call my Dad if I wasn't getting my way at mom's. Nikki and I didn't get a long when we were little so we were always fighting. One time I remember chasing each other around my mom's apartment with a broom. It was an insane time of my life.
The divorce was a like the stone in the water in my life...causing a ripple effect. My Dad remarried a year or so after they separated/divorced to a woman named Donna. She was a tall, not-so-quiet, mid-western sweetheart that had the biggest laugh in the world. To this day I carry her laugh and her loves of others. She was so significant in my life because she was like a mother figure to me when I wasn't getting what I needed from my own mom. Mom had her own issues with the divorce and so in combination with my issues it affected our relationship big time. Never will I blame my Mom for what happened in the divorce, but I can't help but be annoyed by the fact that she blames my Dad. It's annoying. I don't care if it was his fault. Putting blame all the time on someone is unhealthy!
Anyways, After my stepmom died, my dad moved rather quickly and married a woman he met online. He even eloped in Reno without the presence of my sister and I. I was so sad about it. To this day it kinda sucks to think about, but I am thankful for the journey I've been on with my relationship with my stepmom and dad.
Well after years and years with dealing with all this, I had to speak to the kids at EBF's UTURN for the true life series. I did not expect to get the blessings that I did from it. God is working on healing me through it. I had a three hour conversation with my mom on all this stuff we never talked about. We apollogized for the things unsaid, and omg, the whole conversation was just such a positive and healing experience. I am so grateful. I am so overwhelmed. I never though my mom would appollogize for disciplining me physically. It took a huge toll on me and she saw that, and she was so sorry for it. I was blown away.
This whole experience speaking at UTURN has just caused me to be thankful for all that He is teaching me. He has blessing me with amazing friends and amazing mentors here. I can not expess my love and apprieciation for them more.

He Provides. Period.

2008-10-24T21:32:00.001-07:00

The fears and worries I have accumulated over the last couple months have been replaced by a stronger faith and hope in Jesus Christ. The last week has been so encouraging. After WEEKS of praying for more income to come in, and no job for a good portion of that. The money is finally rolling in so I can pay the bills. I have faith that I will be able to get back into gear with the knowledge I'm gonna get from Crown Financial Program I'm looking into. And the fact that I have a God that is seriously watching over my every move. How silly of me to even think about the fact that He isn't going to be there. I really have issues with being forgotten, haha. But praise the Lord he has proved to me in only ways that I understand that He is with me and He will NEVER leave me.

This is just a strict praise report to let you all know that I serve an incredible God and I am a living testimony/result of a healing and providing God. I can't think of other words to describe it because I am still in a a silent awe of what He has done.

THANK YOU JESUS!!! :)

I don't care what I end up doing as long as it is with my God and for my God.

Getting in the Groove

2008-10-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

Being a Peetnik has been wonderful! I've made some new friends in the process and I've picked up extra shifts. Last week on monday they had me drive to another Peet's location and pick up Large Ice Cups and exchange a bag of French Roast for them. I've used my discount card plenty of times already and I've already been secret shopped! The shopper gave us a 51/100! What the hell?! Apparently I did okay, for a new person, but it would have been nice to get a nicer score.
I've gotten buddy-buddy with a few of them and we've already hung out a few times. I've gotta say I do have a blast when I'm with them. It's refreshing almost to hear listen to everything they talk about. I havn't had coworkers in a very long time so it's so wonderful to be spreading my wings and widening my social circle a bit.

Lately I have been so sad because I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in really. I have amazing friends that I see very often, don't get me wrong, they are wonderful! I just don't have a very close friend that I can share everything...Leah, my best friend from high school, is in South Africa. I am so proud of her but I have been so so missing her because she is the one I go to for everything. She knows me very well, and we have a very spiritual connection when we chat. The glue that bonds us is the Lord and we always pray for each other and know how to encourage one another. And now that she is out of the country I have been so lonesome and have missed that connection.

Why is it so difficult to open up to people now. I have a few friends who I see on a regular basis and I want to grow closer to them. But I almost fear that once I spill my guts they are going to disappear. Oh my Gosh, do I have abandonment issues? This is the first time I've realized this but looking back at my past, it is very possible that I have that problem. WOW. Now alot of things are making sense. So now I need to how to move on without this issue bogging me down. I need help to break free from this and let God be God.
I'm trying to take one day at a time and get caught up and adapted in the new life I am in. Also trying to function despite the high stress level in my life. I have so much to be grateful for and that and My loving, providing God are all things that are keeping me going. As far as I'm concerned the enemy has NO HOLD on me!

Letting Go, and Praising God.

2008-10-02T18:15:00.000-07:00

Money belongs to God. That is just the fact of it. Money seems to have been this annoying thing standing high on a mountain pointing down on me and telling me what to do. Sometimes I have plenty, sometimes I have too much. Sometimes I have just enough to get by, and sometimes I am deep underwater reaching out to get more. It doesn't matter what place I am in right at this point, God has told me that "I am not alone". I've told my little sob story to a couple people now just in the last few days and they have all basically said, "Pft, if you only knew what money troubles were."

I think the main lesson written out to me is that God needs to be in control. I need to NOT STRESS about it! Stress is a characteristic that is not of The Lord, but of the enemy himself. Stress is part of confusion, and depression, and a sense of hopelessness. I have experienced first hand what a providing God I serve. And I can not let this valley get to me! He is jehovah Jairah! (sp) I trust that He knows what He is doing. Last night I was up all night, with the brain wheels turning so fast because I had so much to think about. It sucks when i lose sleep over something so silly. Taking care of the body given to me is important, sleep is part of taking care of me!

I know all of this is simple, and just plain silly to blog about. But this is just a little bit of what is on my mind. And I needed to vent it out.

I dropped school the other day. I can't afford it. I am brokenhearted because I have been working so long to get to this point, the point where I work on my major finally! I loved my classes, and the weekend went by and it just did not look feasable to be in school at this point! I love my new job, but it's looking like I'm gonna need to get a second one. Which is cool. I need someone to keep telling me to look UP. God knows what He is doing. I'm sure glad, because I have no idea what I am doing. Oh man, so I love Him so much. I can just feel His peace flowing through me.

Praise God, the almight father, and maker of us. He cadles me in his arms and whispers "I love you". He carrys me down these paths and valleys. Abba, Father, Lord of Heaven and Earth. Praise you and thank you for your everylasting grace, mercy, provision, patience, and unconditional consistent Love.

Psalm 13

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me, forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him' , and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me."

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!

2008-09-30T23:05:00.001-07:00

Oh and just so you all know....I got the job!

Resting isn't lazy!

2008-09-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

I went through all my past blogs tonight and I just realized I've been going to my small group, "The Bridge", for over a year now. It was then that things at The Bridge were reconfigured and eventually ended up being this low key, family get together that I really enjoy going to! We've been talking about practicing His presence in different ways. One of the ways that really had me going was prayer. That night I realized that my relationship with Jesus isn't perfect, and that is OKAY. Lately I've felt like I've been laying in a hammock and just basking in His presence. Maybe I'm getting too comfortable in that but boy have I needed it!

The last summer was filled with events. I said my goodbyes at my nanny job for the last three years. I miss them so much. I moved to another city, I started a new job, I went to a few weddings, I went a couple funerals. I even sat through the night at the mother unit at Walnut Creek Kaiser and met my first "Nephew". Aiden Michael Jeffery. My good friend Andrea had him at the beginning of September. He is too cute. I even went across the United States by car with my amazing sister. It was the best trip by far I have ever been on. By mid September, I was going full throttle and never stopping. Until one night everything came to a complete hault! I was going down the few stairs out front and I landed at the bottom unevenly and I sprained my ankle. It was so painful, and I was forced to go back to bed and elevate my foot. Did you hear me? I was put on forced rest! I lost productivity for at least two weeks! It sucked! Well, it started out as 'it sucked'. By the second week, I realized that the rest was much needed. My plate was completely full for the the years I've been a nanny that I did not get enough time to myself. Every once in a while I would get some time to sulk in my mistakes and such, but i never really got full rest. I actually slept without setting my alarm for two and half weeks, I watched all my "Friends" DvD's. I didn't have a job so I wasn't calling in sick. I didn't have school yet, so I had no homework. It was crazy and I actually enjoyed it!

Matthew 11:28-30 says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
These verses parallel with what I am experiencing right now. AND ironically we are talking about rest in the youth ministry at church right now. Who knew something as simple as rest was important to God? I guess I should have known when we were talking about Jesus on the boat with the disciples in the middle of the storm. All he was doing was chilling on the boat, just laying there, not worried, not stressing, he knew that God was going to take care of them all. Jesus is one smart guy, I'd trust in Him any day.

Deep Roots

2008-09-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

What's funny is that I used to journal as a teenage girl almost every night before bed. And I can't even think of things to journal about anymore now even though I have so much going on. You would think that since I can type faster than I can write, I'd be able to jot down all my deep dark secrets and then be able to store them away on this blog. I think what has worried me about that is the fact that I don't want all my personal feelings floating around on the internet. Thinking through it further though, the things that I write down could possibly touch another individual that may be going through the exact thing or something similar. So what the heck!? Why not spread all my little details on my blog, what have I got to lose?!

For quite some time now I've had this fear of opening up to people, and I was able to keep them at a distance and still build quality friendships. I'm going to have to give the Lord credit for this, but I have been enormously blessed with quality people, quality friends in my life. It goes unsaid I hope that those who have been in my life for a long time, and who I established friendships before I started going to EBF are extremely important to me. But I have not been surrounded by a community of genuine and loving and dependable people since my step-mom died eight years ago. At my last church, I got lost in the sea of people. It used to be I knew everyone, and I was comfortable enough to grow in all aspects. But as time went by and my church grew larger, my growth was stunted. I needed to spread my wings, no...I needed move to a larger pot so that my roots could grow deeper into the soil. One day my mom came up to me and said "Let's find a new church together". So we started church hopping until we finally landed in EBF, turned to each other and said "I love it" at the same time.

Ever since, I've dipped my toes in the different ministries, and I have made some very solid friends there. I have learned that, maybe even just reminded, that being a Christian doesn't mean that you have to be hard on yourself to be perfectly righteous. Also that as a Christian, there is no need to hold these high expectations for other Christians; that's just judgemental! I held some high expectations in some Christian friends back in the my old church days, and I regret it so much. But I need to just forgive them, but most importantly forgive myself. I am so hard on myself! AGH! It is really hard to admit that too!
Moving to Danville, and going to EBF gave me a fresh start to seek genuity in friendships and relationships. I go to a college group at my church that I absolutely love. There is this sense of family there that I thrive on, and when I am there I don't feel any need to impress anyone or to put on a good front. We all go there, and allow God to meet us where we are and love on each other where we are at. These friends that I have made here are a true blessing. They are genuine. I know they love me for who I am, and they apprieciate me in their lives, and they are never afraid to confront me when I need something pointed out. I owe this all to the God who loves me...the God who has this intricate plan for me and I trust Him in the way it plays out. His plan for me doesn't bring me harm, it brings me joy, hope, and a future so bright I can almost see it.

That was a lot of blood painted on the walls there, but I hope it brings someone a little hope.

2008-02-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

This past weekend has been a very comfortable and relaxing weekend. I made up for all the sleep I've lost in the last few weeks, cleaned out my room of all the silly clutter and organized intently, spent some quality time with my mom, worked out Friday and today, did some laundry, and I even got to hit a couple bars with some friends. Over all my weekend has been productive socially but not so productive academically. I really need to crack down on my studies. I'm not behind or anything, but I could just see myself getting behind if I'm not careful. Thats why last week, I decided to drop my Spanish class. I was so sad to see that class go, but I knew that if I didn't eliminate it from my day then I'd be swamped with LOADS of work to do when I have to make my other classes my priority. I could just see myself drowning in the homework and not even getting to the more important stuff like English and Health. I hope either summer or fall I can take Spanish again, I really like the language and it's one of my goals to be fluent in it. I feel so much better about dropping the course, my priorities are in order now I just need to stick with it.

Tonight I had one of the best meals. Susan, my employer and friend, is such a blessing. Tonight at dinner we touched a little bit on the fact that I'm leaving this summer. What a sensitive subject because I do not want to talk about it with her. I'm still not ready. She knows that I'm leaving it's just discussing the details is what is hardest. I still need to look for a place to live in Oakland. Looks like craigslist is always posting places so I look forward to searching there in a couple months.

My goal this week is to lose 2 pounds and know exactly where I stand in reguards to Patten University. Lets see how I do....

Past Myspace blogs....

2008-02-08T20:07:00.000-08:00

I'm getting rid of my blog on my myspace....I'm getting tired of putting all my info on that page!!! :)

Life Lesson #3 ~ Procrastination gets you no where!

So...i think I may be an exception to this lesson because honestly, i have a lot on my plate and I am really trying to cut things down lovingly because it is mainly work. I hope i never have to be left alone with the kids and the house while im in school again. this past week was just too much. I had a huge paper due last friday and I tried sooo hard to get it done. I went to starbucks devotedly and I stayed up late to read and take notes. I still couldn't get it done. So I took the three points off and I am turning it on monday. I feel really good about the paper. And I am no longer stressed. I hate being that irresponsible...uggh...but i guess sacrifices are a must in life....compared to my Jesus' sacrifice the three points was nothing...so i'm over it...looking forward to summer! i wanna have outdoor movie nights and late night trips to the beach! who is with me?!

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April 17, 2007 - Tuesday

Life Lesson .2 ~ Hide and Seek: Ages 4 and up only!!!
Current mood: calm

I had one of the biggest scarry moments of my life tonight. Addison (3, almost 4) decides to play a little game of hide and go seek. Tonight I told the girls to clean their room and i jumped in the shower (the bathroom connects their room and mine. i chatted with them through the cracked door, and everything) After my shower, i let katy come in to go pee, and i check on the room to see if they cleaned it, and addy is all of a sudden gone from the room. Which is normal, when she asked to do work she leaves the area. So i proceeded to the hallway and called for her, she wasn't in her brother's room, she wasn't in any room! We live in such a big house...and all the doors were locked to the outside so she could not have gone outside, but i looked out there anyways....it was such a reality check for me.....i had all the kids looking for her and calling out her name. My worry grew to panic, then fear, then anger…all in one!! We finally found her in the girls bedroom! What a little stinker! Once I got to her when I first saw her, I told her to never do that again and I totally cried….i think everyone's emotional reaction taught her a lesson, that and she definitely lost he play date with her best friend on Friday…little squirts!! Shheeeeeeeeeeeeeze louiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise!!! That was the most terrifying that has ever happened to me!!!

Currently watching :
Children of Men (Widescreen Edition)
Release date: 27 March, 2007

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April 15, 2007 - Sunday

Life Lesson #1~God is our rescuer

I'm being pretty transparent here.... if you'd like to add on to this...feel free!

I'd just like to say how amazingly blessed I am to be in the arms of the Lord. His timing is so perfect in every way. He brought me out of a rut recently (just like quicksand) and put me on solid ground once again. He's working on my heart on a few things going on in my life. I'm realizing (which deep down, I already knew this) that there are always going to be trials going on, there will always be people in my life that are going to disappoint me Life isn't perfect; life is a journey. And I take this journey with my King, my Father, my Savior, and I look forwad to what he has in store for me. If I take matters into my own hands then I will drown in my own contolling ways.....Trust God, let him be in control....and things will work out...just wait on the Lord...I know that all sounds soooo simple, and much more easier than it is...but BELIEVE me...it works! If He brings you to it, then He will bring you through it!
I have nothing to worry about...I don't need to worry and dwell on the stresses of my daily routine, or my financial needs, or who I"m going to marry, or why I can't get along with everyone...I shouldn't! I'm not going to try to fix everything anymore. I am simply going to give my worries to God, one at a time, and know thtat He could do something much better with it than I ever could....
What an amazing God we have that He cares enough to take every issue going on in our lives and turn it around and end up totally blessing us and others as well! I'd rather have that than drown...that's for sure....
Peace out Brothers and Sisters!
Love and Blessings, Sel

Moving forward out of Stagnance

2008-02-07T23:22:00.000-08:00

I can not believe how long it has been since I've posted a blog. It has been almost exactly a month! So much has happened. My mom has moved, and some friends from my college group came and helped. God gave me a car!!! I prayed two months ago that He would...and shockingly but not surprisingly He DID!! One of my best friends is getting married next month, friends are getting engaged or pregnant....I started my classes and I filed for my A.A. degree, I applied finally to Patten University, and I found out my sister is going to be stationed in Cuba....phew!
Despite all the changes that are going all around, I find comfort in knowing that God is the same "Yesterday, today and forever." Hebrew 13:8 And yes, I know that the verse is cliche...but at the same time....God's word is NOT cliche...it is not cheezie. It is a love letter written by my maker and I take its value whole~heartedly. My God is a consistent, unchanging, loving God whose grace has kept me going in my faith, and in life generally.
I am so thankful for all these opportunities that the Lord has given me, my education, a vehicle, wonderful friends to be able to depend on. I feel like I am moving forward in life and not just stagnant...it is funny because one month ago I was not feeling this way. I felt like I was in a rut, i felt as if I was standing still and no one cared.

Things are still a bit awkward at my small group, BUT that only means I am being stretched out of my comfort zone and I actually like it that way. Being part of this group has taught me so much and I know that God is using this group to mold me this way. I am optimistic in this plan He has for me.

With being a "auntie" soon, turning 23 even sooner, and being able to drive without fearing I'll be stranded far from home, things are looking up. This high is not my focus or drive for living, but it sure is so major blessings to be thankful for. I really want to understand what God is using me for still. I don't feel like dead weight anymore, but because of the awkwardness, I still wonder if I am still a blessing to everyone in this group. Who knows? God has a plan...I'm waiting on it...and I'm sure excited to see what it is.

xoxo

2008-01-09T13:43:00.000-08:00

So lately, as you can tell from my latest post, I've been in a rut! What is up with that?! I just feel like I am not being used to the fullest for God's glory. I can't narrow it down any more. I feel like dead weight in my church small group, AND I am constantly nervous there! I can't figure out if it's because I'm overwhelmed by all the nice guys (and girls, but I'm emphasizing where I'm having trouble), or if it's because I am actually not supposed to be there and I'm just sticking around because I made a commitment. I have made some really good friends in this group, but over half of them have stopped coming because of all the changes that have happened and because of some history that I didn't see because I started coming afterwards. It makes me sad, the other night I was out with some of those friends and all of them were talking about whether they were going to come or not. All of their answers were unmotivated and they felt pressured to come (for reasons I'd rather not say). But I don't understand. I made all these great friends, who I feel I can be myself around WAAAAAy more than those in my church group.
Lately I have been thinking about the fact that this past year God molded me and defined me in such detail that it's been overwhelming to find out so much about myself. I went the last few years before that feeling so confident about myself, like I knew who I was and no one could change me. But that's just it, people change over time, things change over time. See how I'm coming full circle? So maybe things are changing in my friends' lives and I am just not necessarily going in the same direction; which is fine. I just don't know how to keep going, everything around me is changing and I don' t know how to keep up with it. I like structure, I like routine. And when it all breaks apart and starts jumbling around...I'm left with feeling uncomfortable. I just need to keep a good attitude and go spend time with Jesus. I have to work in an hour so maybe I can come to some big realization before then.
NOTE: I am very thankful for all the changes that have come around, because they have been what has caused me to mold and be defined.

I have been struggling for a really long time with a certain friend. A few weeks ago, we were talking on the phone and they made a comment that really hurt. I was so offended and at the same time I wasn't shocked at what they said. Because it reminded me why I don't really keep in touch with that person anymore. It made me so sad. I wish things could have gone differently in that friendship but I know that some things just have to take their place in your heart and you learn from them. I'm so grateful for God's friendship. I am so grateful that he knows me so intimately and loves me for me. I love that God looks beyond my looks, into my heart. Beyond my frivilous spending of money and the fact that I can't stand penny pinchers...my obsessions with certain things, my bad habits, and my frustrations...all my imperfections...BEYOND those things ....He STILL loves me! He still blesses me even when I mess everything the hell up. He knows my potential and He believes in me. I want so much to do more for Him...I want so much to feel useful. These last five years of being in college, He has used to define me...in a slow pace that I love. The plan MADE for me...literally. I wouldn't have it any other way.

'Twas the night after New years...

2008-01-02T00:31:00.000-08:00

And so it seems I am really lagging in the blogging department. This has been a very trying couple of weeks. My soul has been pulled back and forth in family issues and my brain is fried and my heart is tired. Finally today I decided, call it my new years resolution if you will, that I am not going to take on all the burdens of my family. I know from a third party's view it seems cruel to say but this is more complicated and delicate than one would think. I am not going to get into detail. But I do want to emphasize that I love my family. If you know me, you know that family is the most important thing in the world to me. Almost too important to me, to the point of forgetting to take care of myself!!! I am pulling out of that mental dependence on my Mom, and I am reaching higher to God to depend on Him for these moving forward decisions I need to make instead of my Mom. She has been so challenging lately. I am now at the point where I know that we will always bicker. It will never end. I have not gone one visit without bickering with her about something, and ironically it is always about something going in MY life that she thinks should go a certain way. Which is very predictable seeing how she is my Mother; who i love very much. I just can't take it anymore. I can't take the pressure and stress of pleasing my mother in everything. It's almost like I have forgotten who I have been put on this earth to please!!!! (GOD!) I shook my head in disappointment tonight at myself for forgetting that one BIG factor. I live in freedom on this earth because of Him, and this is how I repay Him? Yes, I am supposed to respect and honor my Mom...BUT there is a respectful and honorable way to tell my mom that I appreciate her opinion and her concern but I need to do things a certain way.
And then there is my sister. I love her so much, we are so close, but a little too close sometimes. She as well is going through this phase in her life that she is really trying to pull out of the dependence on my mom. But it has spread to me! She sees me as my mom! UGH!! I can't give her advice without her getting upset and feeling low, and young...DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!
So today, I literally said "Forget it!"...I don't care anymore. If she asks for my opinion then I will give it, but from now until this time passes, I am not going to just give my opinion. Since I am an outspoken person, THIS IS HARD! But I will do it...Why is it that holidays are what make us realize that we do not want to be with our family all the time. I can only take them in DOSES. I am so happy in my own life, in my own day by day routine and with the friends I have...and most of all the God that I serve. I can be myself in it all...but when I get around my family....I am a completely different person...why? I know I'm not alone people! Why does this happen!? I am actually asking!LOL
My sister goes home tomorrow, and I feel like things have only gone downhill a little in our relationship and not uphill. I don't get it. I think the three of us are all very stubborn and we are set in our ways, and there is not way in hell that we are going to change for each other. We have to change in our own timing and realizations. (haha) sound familiar?

Well, It's now Friday night and my sister is gone and back to her life. I have a fresh perspective of this coming semester and I am confident that it will fly by and it will be great!! I need positivity man, being depressed all the time sucks. God is good, He has blessed me extremely and I need to start acting like it!!

December Blurbs...

2007-12-18T22:04:00.000-08:00

So this seems to be the perfect day for me to journal. I can not believe that it has been 34 days since I last wrote. Yes, today is day 40 of my diet and I have lost 10 pounds. I am pretty much excited...I don't let this get to my head though...nooooooo...if i did then I'd stuff myself with dark chocolate and never work out again. I have grown to love the gym, next semester I am evening taking a yoga class and a fitness walking class...so it should be fun...and I hope it will keep me in the grove. I still have only been on a low carb diet. It hasn't been easy BUT I have not eaten very much pasta or bread...just a little here and there to taste...
Well, enough about diets and food...so much has happened since I last wrote! My aunt and cousin came to visit for Thanksgiving...I made some more new friends from my church...I've started babysitting like crazy to raise money for a new car. I've had a lot of crap happen to my car in the last month, and it has just pushed me to crazy point and I am going to get a new car in the next few months...I'm determined!!!! My poor piece of crapper car....I will miss my titanic...
I've decided to get my A.A. in transfer studies in May...and I'm transferring in the fall to Patten University in Oakland!! So many new decisions...and still more to have make..but it feels so good to know that God is in charge and He hasn't steered me in the wrong direction yet!! lol...as if He ever would.
I am tired, so I must sleep.....I'm looking forward already to the weekend...the boys are already driving me crazy...it is times like these that I kinda miss having someone...someone to have for the holidays (and beyond that tooo..lol...) But I have my friends, and family...and my wine...which I'm almost done with as well as my consciousness....G'nite all..thanks for reading my blurbs...Love, Selena

A Change of Lifestyle

2007-11-14T13:27:00.001-08:00

Last week I made a life changing decision. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I don't mean gazing; I analyzed. After the critique I realized that I wasn't happy with my body. Now I know what you must being thinking, "Every girl says and thinks that every day!". But that's not how I am viewing this. My attitude is in the right place, I am just not motivated enough to exercise or eat the right things because I would rather be happy and feel good about my body and fit into the clothes that I have than not care about what other people think and about my self esteem going down. I view my self esteem as something stable. I don't really have low S.E., however I am hard on myself. I don't want to feel like a failure. So....I have decided to change my diet and make walking/running a bi-daily routine. I am on a low carb diet. I'm still learning what the good/bad carbs are and how many I can have without hurting my diet and detouring my goal. I may use this blog to record my frustrations/joys from this life style change. I am so excited about this. I have gone on diets before but this is much different, this is a life change; and I want to stay motivated.
I will persevere through this and my ultimate goal is just feel good about my body, and be able to feel good about having a sweet every once in a while. Today I was craving chocolate soooo bad. I was looking at all the candy the kids had and the left over candy from passing out on Halloween, and looking at the labels. The carb count is so high! Finally I gave into a glass of fat free milk with a little chocolate syrup. The carb count was the same as the candy BUT my aunt told me to pay attention to the way i feel after I eat something. So instead I thought about eating a candy and I didn't like the way I felt. I liked the way I felt when I thought of milk and syrup. Am I justifying it? I don't think so. I was so frustrated because I was craving the chocolate and I knew that if I ate it, I would NOT be able to feel good about my life change...ugh!!! I hated it so much. So I'm thinking milk will not kill me, it just filled me up fast, and now I'm not gonna think about food for a while. HAHA...I've even gotten to a point where things discust me...even alchohol is disgusting to me now. (Which is odd!!!) Phew, I feel better. Thank the Lord that I have made it to this point. Day 6 and counting....

October 20th 2000

2007-10-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

You know those days that just stick out in your mind forever. They stick out because something powerful happened on that date, and they stick because you would give anything to either live that day again or live in the days before that day. I'm not much of a dweller, but today is a day I will never forget. This is so hard for me to talk about because it still brings so much emotion. My dad was married to a woman for six years from the time that I was 9 till i was 15. Her name was Donna. She was someone that I highly looked up to and respected. If i needed advice, she was there. If i needed pampering or spoiled treatment, she was there. If i needed a hug, she was there. If the Packers were playing football on Sunday, she was there. If they were in a superbowl, she was there partying and celebrating. She loved Jesus, she loved camping, she loved her Ford Explorer, and she loved her husband and stepkids very very much. I still have dreams of her "bumping" into me in random places. There is one dream that I remember vividly because i remember I was sitting on the couch in my family room, and she came down stairs and walked into the kitchen, which was visible from the couch. She turned to me and stood still, and smiled at me. I don't even think I have a picture on my laptop to share. But I know that she would have posed for me. She knew my passion for taking photos. She understood that I had a heart for creativity. Oh man, it is times like these that I miss her so much. I wonder what she would say to a lot the things I ask advice for or get involved in. It is seven years ago today that she passed away from Cancer. Cancer sucks. I have always hated it. It attacked Donna and deteoriated her down to her last breath in less than a year. Sometimes I get angry because i see more and more advance in technology for cancer patients. And I wonder, where was that idea? But like I said, I am not much for dwelling. But Donna is a nice memory to hang on to. She taught me to pick my battles. She taught me how to wash dishes, rollerblade, cook a few things, exercise, how to love fooball, how to love, how to appreciate...and most of all she showed me the example of someone who truly loved me for me. Here's to you Donna...my loving, caring, softhearted, wonderful, Jesus-loving, friend. I miss you so much. May you rest in peace sitting next to Jesus up in heaven....:) I heart you!

Night on the Town with V

2007-10-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

I just had the most amazing night. Leah V and I drove out to The Filmore in San Fran and stood through a 3 hour night of "The Myriad", Phil Wickham, and David Crowder Band. It was incredible. I do not experience Christian concerts enough. I used to go to all these boy band concerts when I was younger and I would idolize these guys. But at a concert like this tonight, God is given ALL the glory. Which is WAY IMPORTANT!What I loved so much about watching these band is that they are so passionate about Jesus and about ministering to others through their music. Also they are very passionate about reaching out to others as they tour and travel. What an amazing job that would be.

I bumped into a few people I knew from my old church.it brought back some one feelings of hurt, burn, and disappointment. I know that it wasn't anything that these people did; it was by no means their fault I felt this way. But I was really disappointed by my visit with them because they weren't as enthusiastic to see me as I was them. Don't get me wrong, I could totally justify this situation by saying they must have been tired like I had been because we all STOOD through this entire concert. Without the right shoes and in a very confined space might I add.
But still, I always have this problem with most of the people that I run into from my old church. I feel like they are unenthusiastic about seeing me, and that causes me to think that I am being talked about. I was so burned by a few specific people in this church and sometimes I wonder if rumors have spread. But I could totally be paranoid, and I could totally be wrong! Whatever it may be I need to shake it off and give it to God. It's not my problem. I need to stop thinking about all that happened. I gave it to God and I need to stop taking it. God has given me a life here, in Danville and I am so thankful for it. I need to stop thinking so hard about my old life in another city because then I'm unapprieciative for what God has done for me. I am so excited about the things that are going on in my new church. SO EXCITED!
And you know what made the whole day so much better? (Even made my week!)
THIS PICTURE:

THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE!

2007-10-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

Since my last realization God has been working on my heart about the young adults group I go to. The last two Thursday nights have been amazing. We have worked through some communication issues and now we are in a place where things can only get better. I am so blessed to be apart of this young adults group. I have met some extraordinary people here and I always look forward to Thursdays so that I can get to know them each more and more. We're like a family, it can get dysfunctional or uncomfortable, but also there is a lot of love in this family. There is encouragement, and accountability in a lot of these relationships that I have formed. It's amazing.

Lately I have let my heart harbor my feelings from everything that is going on in my life. I should have known from past experiences that harboring is a bad idea. But instead of working through these feelings with the Lord; I somehow managed to take on these emotions on my own and allow them to effect my work life and a few of my relationships. I love my job very much. It is very very challenging to nanny four kids; two of which are teenage boys that do NOT like to be told. One of them especially challenged me this week and that as a topping to everything I had been harboring pushed me to a point of melt down. I spent two hours on my knees (literally) so confused, so angry, so frustrated. Finally I realized that all of those negative feelings that I was experiencing are/were NOT of the Lord. Galatians 5:22-23 says,
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control."
After God basically went "DUH Selena!" and gave me that verse (yet again) I felt so much better and I knew my attitude had finally been adjusted. If we do not allow God to work on us and who we are then what we do will not reflect Christ. Let me rephrase again; Who we are reflects on what we do and how we serve. It needs to reflect Jesus and if our actions and attitudes do not reflect Him then we need an "attitude check". I am so thankful that I have a God who loves me, forgives me, and has this infinite amount of grace for me. Oh man if it ran out I would have been in trouble ages ago.

So here is to a new day, a new week even...God is so good.....
"This is the day the Lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24

A Slap in the Face

2007-10-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

Besides the great revelation I posted below, I came to a realization yesterday with a lot of slap-in-the-face help from God. For quite a while now I have been very confused and disheartened by the church I have been attending. I had coffee with friend who happens to work there and she told me to pray specifically about this for 40 days and she just knew that by the end of those 40 days I would know something. So I thought "whatever..."...but I wanted to take her advice and do it. So, I marked on the calendar the day I started and from that point on I have not ever been challenged in my commitment in a church like I had been during these 40 days. I eventually lost count of the days but I was still praying, aching for answers, and going to this church even though I did not want to because I didn't like the face that it didn't feel right to keep going to this church. I should probably say that my whole reasoning behind not want to go to this church was because I wasn't getting anything out of it. I missed my old church and I didn't feel I belonged there because it didn't fit my needs. Boy was I in for a slap in the face and a big surprise. I had some people with significant influence on me tell me within the last few weeks that I should be looking to get something out of the church; I should be looking at how I can serve the people of this church. At first I thought, now why on earth would I ever want to think that way? Isn't the purpose of a church to serve you the way you need? Oh, my gosh!! No it is not! A church doesn't run unless there are "servants" of the Lord serving where needed and working together to make His will happen in the church.
So last Sunday morning after going back and for the previous 24 hours of whether I should go to a different church or my current church, I decided (God told me) to go my current church even though my flesh didn't want to. So I drove to church that morning (kicking and screaming might I add; metaphorically speaking). Boy am I glad I did! We as a church have been going through a series called "Emerging from the fire unharmed". I remember being so upset and weak being in my seat that I didn't want to stand during worship or stand anytime. There was one time that the senior pastor talked to us and said "when we stand, we are standing before our God....."...he also said that if you aren't standing...no matter what the reason is...whether you feel week, tired, physically hurt....He is with you...He will stand with you in these times...His power is made perfect in your weakness...I just sat there in tears thinking; yeah, well...I'm too weak to even let this affect me. Several minutes later He had people stand that were going through any types of fires....and I watched a bunch of people stand. They were to justify the myth of church being filled with plastic people or put together people. They were also to show that we are not along going through fires and such, there are people that have gone through it or they are going through it at the same time. I was so encouraged by that because it is simply true. It took sitting and listening to that entire sermon for me to realize what God was really having me do. I, somehow, came to the realization that God had me there at this church for a reason and that He needs me to keep going. It was a clear, slap in the face. That's what I prayed for; a slap in the face. So now it's official...I'm going to keep going to this church.
You know what the real kicker of all of this is?....You remember me telling you that my friend told me to pray on this for 40 days? Well Sunday was the 40th day........irony?
I think not....

Encouraging Words on Marraige and Putting God first

2007-10-01T13:25:00.001-07:00

I want to share a blog written by the wife of Jimmy Needham(a Christian solo musician)..her name is Kelly Needham...and her words brought me to tears because it is exactly what I needed to hear because of some past stuff. Even if you are not married this is for you ladies because it is always good to gain wisdom before hand..haha...much love to you all..I'm doing fine here in Danville...this is all I have for you today :) God Bless!!
"If you have read any of my blogs thus far, I pray and hope that you have been encouraged to hear from someone who has dealt with this struggle of desiring a relationship with someone on earth more than a relationship with the Creator of it. But I also hope you are encouraged to hear from someone who still currently struggles with being satisfied with God alone. A huge lie is that we will cease to struggle with finding our satisfaction in God alone when we get married. Isn't that what we are talking about? Being satisfied with God in times of singleness? So once the singleness ceases to exist and we are married, that struggle naturally disappears, right? WRONG! If we already struggle with being satisfied with God when we are single, then it gets worse when we are dating or married because now there is someone to take His place. It has all the sudden become dangerous. Now, it's EASY for us to be ok without God (that's a scary thought) because there is someone else's love available for us to choose first. At least when I was single I was either satisfied with God or wasn't satisfied at all. It forced me to continue to seek Him because I knew He was the only one around. I didn't have the option of being satisfied with anyone but God. So here is my personal experience of struggling to find satisfaction in God within our marriage; an update on my life since Jimmy and I have been married. We got married a year ago on August 12, 2006. Leading up to the wedding day was wonderful: I was still falling deeper and deeper in love with Christ and God was using my relationship with Jimmy to grow me and challenge me. The wedding was like a dream and was all about Jesus and we had a wonderful honeymoon alone. Then real life happened. The first thing we did as newly-weds was fly to Nashville so Jimmy could do a few interviews, and appear on an episode of The Logan Show (a Christian version of the Tonight Show). Now up until this point, I had not been traveling with him (obviously because we weren't married) and this was my first time to be introduced to all this music industry, interview, TV stuff. It was probably the most intimidating, discouraging, and threatening things to me as a new wife. Jimmy had his own dressing room and make up lady, everyone wanted to talk to him (no one wanted to talk to me), ask him questions, get things signed, and take pictures. He was being interviewed, singing songs... and I was completely overwhelmed. I had a wealth of thoughts like: No one cares about me, what am I getting myself into, Jimmy doesn't care about me or love me… all sorts of crazy things that weren't true. I was miserable the whole time. I remember sitting alone in the hotel room journaling all of these emotion to God. I felt like I couldn't handle being married to someone who was going to be famous; it was too much for me. I felt too alone and scared. But I just got married… I shouldn't feel alone… but I did. It was a very hard weekend, and I had some very tough days that followed that weekend. There were times when I would sit in the back of the auditorium while Jimmy was performing on stage and cry. "That's my husband on stage. That's Jimmy. All these hundreds of people came to see him. He's got so much attention what does he need me for anyway?" I had known Jimmy since before he got signed, before his songs were on the radio, before anything happened. So to suddenly be traveling with him and see how popular his music really was kind of shocked me. I felt alone. Very alone and scared. It's quite challenging for me sometimes when I turned around to see him standing in the middle of 5 other girls taking a picture. (Side note: I have NO PROBLEM whatsoever with Jimmy being in pictures with other girls, some of you reading this might have a picture with him from a concert or something. That TOTALLY makes sense. If you like an artist's music and respect them and get to see them in concert, it's nice to have a picture with them. Please understand that I think that's fine!) But imagine for a moment, a new wife, already struggling with issues of insecurity, seeing her husband with multitudes of other girls who want his autograph… Satan sure had a field day with my mind. In the midst of my insecurity struggles, God began to reveal the root of the problem: I had begun to find my identity and security in Jimmy. I was seeking to be fulfilled and satisfied by the love of a husband and had traded it for the love of Christ. The same thing that I was writing about in my earlier blogs, I unknowingly was also struggling with. The Lord is good and has been bringing me back to a right view of marriage. Honestly, it has only been until recently that I have been able to fully enjoy serving God while at Jimmy's shows. Now, instead of being caught up in who is talking to my husband, wanting his autograph, or taking away his attention from me, I am able to ask the Lord who He wants me to talk to and encourage. I am able to pray that God would give Jimmy words of encouragement for the people coming to talk to him, instead of being jealous for his attentions. The only reason I was jealous in the first place was because my heart was looking for satisfaction and fulfillment in Jimmy instead of in Christ. But slowly, our Merciful God has brought my heart and mind back to total hope in Him alone. Through this first year of marriage I have learned what I should have known from the beginning: the purpose of marriage is NOT to satisfy my needs. Usually, even if we know that's not the purpose, we often only know that with our head while our heart is still hoping for the fulfillment of its desires through this union. I thought that I knew what it meant to be satisfied with God and Him alone before I got married. And that was probably true, but as soon as life began as a couple, I transferred part of my needs from God to Jimmy, without realizing it. "From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." In my heart I was aching for satisfaction and fulfillment through my marriage, not through my Maker and Savior. And when marriage didn't satisfy, my mouth began to speak of the disappointment in my heart. First of all, it is my prayer that no one would ever read what I write and think that it's wrong to be excited about marriage. Marriage is an amazing, beautiful, wonderful gift that God created as a picture of His love for us. Our marriage is part of our witness to this world about the love of God. "They will know us by our love for each other." (John 13:35). As Christians, our marriages should be the most passionate ones in all the earth because of the passionate God that we know and serve. We should be more in love with our spouses than anyone else. This is a testimony and a picture of the love between the church, and Christ. Marriage is a gift from the Lord, just like children are a gift from the Lord, just like our families are gifts from the Lord. This is the problem: we have taken what is a gift FROM God and put it in God's place! This is idolatry! Picture this: Imagine you are dating someone. You love and care for him so deeply and his birthday is coming up. So you spend hours searching for the perfect gift. You end up getting him two all day passes to his favorite theme park so you can go together. When you finally give him the gift, he gets so excited that he runs out the door to go right away, leaving you alone. And when he returns you ask what he did with the other ticket, and he says he's going to use it the next day so he can enjoy going twice. Obviously, you would feel hurt. You intended the gift to be enjoyed together and to continue to bring you both closer together. But he took the gift, forgot about you who gave it and enjoyed it all for himself. That is what we have done to our God. He has given us the precious gift of marriage, with the intention of it being a means for us to become closer to Him. But we have taken the gift, forgotten the one who gave it, and tried to enjoy it all for ourselves, seeking to use it to make us as happy and satisfied as possible. What was intended to draw us to God, we have used to satisfy our own needs and desires. Without Christ, we are very, very, very, very, very, very selfish people. My own heart is saddened as I think of how I have neglected the God who gave me life and breath to selfishly satisfy the longings of my heart. So what is the purpose of marriage? It's certainly not to satisfy us and fulfill our needs; that's God's job." ~ Kelly Needham

Divine Appointment with Jesus

2007-09-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

".....I'm sitting at the very top of Mount Diablo. The Golden Gate to my left, Sacramento to my right, and the Benecia bridge dead ahead. Praise the Lord that my car decided to overheat at the very top of the hill right as soon as I got to the parking lot. I have a view to enjoy and an amazing God to rejoice in. The funniest thing to me is the fact that I hardly care that my car is broke down. God gave me a desire to come up here and I followed it! Yes, my car is kind of a necesity to live right now. But, OH MY GOSH!, I feel like God has given me this gift, this amazing gift and I'm enjoying it! Thank you Jesus for this beautiful day! I love you!"

This is what I wrote on top of the Mount Diablo State Park map when I realized that I wasn't leaving for a while. The smoke came right as I pulled into an illegal parking spot.....I was nervous a little that I wouldn't be able to take my car home and that I'd have to call AAA, but at the same time something told me to stay calm and just "wait on me"....so I waited, I waited and while I waited I walked up to the outlook point and enjoyed the 360 degree view of at least 3 or 4 different counties....probably even more than that! I saw the Golden Gate bridge...I saw the Bay Bridge, I saw the San Rafael, San Mateo, and Benecia Bride, I even saw a bridge that I didn't even know existed past Antioch and Pittsburgh. Now I can look up at the mountain and say that I've gone up there and I basked in the beauty around me. I truly stared into each panoramic view and realized that the world around me is even smaller than I imagined.

Finally I gained up enough courage to open the hood to my car, pull out the BRAND NEW bottle of coolant and opened up the lid. There was NO coolant left! Any longer and my radiator would have been affected! (maybe?) So i poured 3/4 of the jug in and started the engine with much fear in me...but I came, I conquered, I had so much fun. My date with Jesus was amazing.:)

I coasted down the mountain, rarely stepping on the gas, anticipating getting home and sharing my amazing adventure. Next time, I won't be taking my car but I do hope to share this journey with someone that has never fully experienced Northern California like I did this afternoon.

My old blogging days...

2007-09-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

Catching up on my blogging is fun, I needed to post these to settle my own heart....

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Well today is the first day of 2005...the year has floooown! I have done so many new things this year and I've met so many new people. God is so faithful, he has even helped me reconcile some thing between family members. I can go into this new year and confidently feel fresh and renewed.

Today I'm going to Sacramento to see a good friend of mine. One of our friends is in jail because of child molestation, he grandparents were in an accident and he aunt and uncle are going through a really bad divorce. How does this affect her? It does! and that's all that matters. I miss her and i want to be there for her. I pray that the Lord will prompt her heart one day to come to Him with everything that she is.

I went to Ohio for Christmas, it was snowing!!! I had a white Christmas for the very first time! It was so great! I also hung out with a couple of friends that I met back in march. It was soooo great to see them!

A verse these days that I've been referring to alot...Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." Trusting in Him about everything can be difficult but when you put everything inHis hands, like i said in the last entry...everything goes so much smoother!! Scripture hints this all over the place...you can't just give part of your life to Him, you have to give everything....let me rephrase...not just everthing...but all things! He wants a relationship with you!! And I love that! He loves me unconditionally, and He teaches us to love unconditionally:)

Public - 12:18 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Currently Playing
Don't Know Why
By Norah Jones
see related

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

Here is a verse I can live by...literally I can do nothing without Him. If I leave Him out of my life and out of what I am doing then nothing goes smooth and nothing works out...but when I totally involve Him then things go so much smoother and He completely works it all out because it's His plan!!! And when one realizes His plan is more important then ones priorities straighten. The Lord should be first in my life. And every day He continues to remind me. Thank you Lord so much for every thing you put in my life to cause me to grow and learn. Stretch me Father so that I would become the woman you have created me to be.

The Hurricane

2007-09-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight I saw one of the most amazing films ever made in my opinion. Of course Denzel Washington (hottie alert!) is in it. I go to this film class every Monday night and my mind opens wider to the possibilities that are in this world.....

The more time passes the more and more I feel so temporary in this world. Like I don't have much time before my time here is over. I don't know why I feel this way....it could just bet he late night syndrome kicking in; where I'm so tired I'd say anything on my mind.
I just wanted to share this movie. This boxer gets convicted for a crime he didn't commit. Not only that but he was framed. It occurred during the 50's or 60's when racism was at its peak. And he didn't get fair trials...he spend over 20 years fighting the messed up system and with the strong help of some loving Canadians he finally is freed from prison. Don't meant to ruin the ending, but it's based on a true story, so you were bound to find out anyhow!

Chou for now!

Praising Him in the Storms

2007-09-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

Why are all the adults that I look up to the most seem to be getting weaker and weaker? All these years I look up to these people like they are so strong, and they are solid as rocks. And here I am finding out that they are as weak as anyone gets on a bad day. One relative is going through some rough times and I just want to encourage her and all she thinks I am doing is pushing Jesus on her. She's a Christian!! I don't understand what the hell I am doing wrong. I am learning in MY OWN TRIALS that if we praise God in all the good times then why not in the hard times? It is so easy to focus on the emotions of depression, sadness, and even guilt...but those things are easy to dwell in because they are not of the Lord. Life is NOT easy, I have never said that it is...sometimes God allows things to continue to occur because we need to learn something very important and that specific way is the only way we can learn it. But to focus on the bad stuff is diverting you from moving on. I think she is using me as a sound board which is fine, and i need to be more sensitive of that. I'm not trying to push Jesus on her at all...and what I say is NOT my opinion like she says. UGH...the whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach. We will pull through our storms; it happens in God's timing. I think I just need to back off and just give her one worded answers like "uh huh", "yeah", and "I'm sorry"...which is what I thought I was doing. All she does is complain....and I think that is just because she has no one there at home to complain to. I don't mind being a soundboard...but only so much time can go by until I'm gonna try to pull someone out of there dwelled misery and encourage them to look up and focus on all the things that God has done for them. He is a great God. Believe me, I've had "Job" moments too...they haven't been as hard as some peoples, thank God, but they were HARD! And I pulled through them because I kept my eyes on Him, and I trusted that I would pull out of them...and sometimes all it took was a change of perspective. I can't change her perspective...so I'm just going to pray. The other adults that seem weak are easier to talk to. They are more receptive to my encouraging words. And they are thankful for the encouragement. I think my unappreciative relative is just really really discouraged to the point where she needs a miracle to pull out of it. I'm really enjoying my semester of classes, I'm taking Spanish, Short Story Writing, a Film class, and an Early Childhood Education class. And I am able to juggle the busy life of my Job and the homework that comes along with these courses which is a complete miracle!

Well I need to continue on with my Spanish and Writing homework....thanks for letting me vent!

Realizations

2007-09-20T22:28:00.000-07:00

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Okay so this is not a verse to tell everyone that if you "Like Jesus" then He will give you what you want. It goes deeper than that. If you delight, take refuge, trust thoroughly, and follow Jesus those desires will be planted into your heart so that your wants are His wants for your life. Does that make sense? So if we are follow Christ then those wants and desires are actually going to come from Him ... I've wanted to do photography for so long, and so far in my walk with the Lord that desire is still there. I'm having a hard time deciding what to do as a career. Whether to keep pursuing Elementary ed teaching, or take up a full time career in Photography. I could probably do both; but why flood my brain with overwhelming information. It has been killing me not having a digital camera to take pictures of moments that I see. But I'm going to be patient and wait it out. One day I will get the best of the best.Tonight I had the joy of going to my young adults group; "The Bridge". What I love about this place is the people. They are so warm, loving, funny, and we're like a family at times. Now I'm not sure if that is me being naive to any history that has happened within this family. But I really like the relationships that I am developing there. Compared to where I went for 5 years, this is 10 times better.

I've been thinking about my date from last weekend alot, and I've come to a realization that this has brought up deeper things than just what I think about the guy. I realize my heart was still broken, I realized my guard is still up when it comes to opening up to men, I've learned that I need to be even more up front about putting God first, and I realized that I am a total jerk because I have not called this guy back.

I know that I will get through this very small thing in my life, but I just hate causing any type of pain in anyone's life. I honestly don't always hurting people or letting people down due to me following what God wants me to do...but I know it's the right thing to do.

Spending time with Jesus is Important!

2007-09-17T23:58:00.000-07:00

My weekend was so wonderful. It started with going to Livermore and having coffee with Andrea and Mike, then going to Tracy to see my good friend Tony, then my Cousin Nick driving up and staying with me here at the house. We took my mom to On the Border and had such a great time. Now, it seems like he was never here because He took off at 5 in the morning; but the visit was so wonderful.

Saturday I did so much around the house and did a lot of homework went on a date; which was fun and he's a nice guy. Then after the date I met up with my lovely friend Elise and her crew and we went to the hedlands! I have not done so much climbing in one night before. It was so amazing. I had jogged that morning and then to do that huge hike...I've learned the lesson that I need to work out more!!! You know another thing....I forced to conquer my fear of the dark....I don't think I could have gone through those dark tunnels alone..or ever could...but thanks to Elise and Laura and their VBC friends that came with us I made it through some pitch dark places and climbed very steep hills only to breath in the most amazing view of San Francisco that I have ever experienced. It was a photographers dream. Next time I will have my new Digital Camera fired and ready to capture the beauty of the city. THANKS TO THE WHOLE GROUP!! Everyone from that young adults group seem to be like family to each other, and every time I have an encounter with them I am welcome with open arms...I love that...you are alll amazing, thank you!
I need to make time for Jesus; I mean really. I need to make a date with him every day and spend time with the God who created me and who has always been there consistently for me. I am so grateful for Him. I want to get to a point where I feel like I am consistent, I want to have the same attitude all the time; the Jesus attitude.

A Day of Randomness

2007-09-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

This has been the most amazing day off! Today I spent time with my friend Tony...he is the brother I didn't get from my parents. God really know what he was doing when he put Tony in my life, because if I did get a brother from my parents Tony would be it. He's Italian, tall, a total dork, sooo lovable, gives the best hugs, and he's quite the talker; He really fits in with Nikki and I. After meeting Mike and Andrea for coffee to give them birthday gifts i picked Tony up from work and we drove to Baristas in Tracy where they have the best coffee in the San Joaquin valley. His girlfriend Chelsea was there too working!! And, to kill a third bird with one stone I saw Kelly...the other brother who I've known longer than I've known Tony. I love going to Tracy, it always ends up being a life outside of my chaotic life here.

My cousin Nick, who's in the Navy, drove up from Los Angeles and he used my place as a pit stop. What an amazing visit. I always enjoy seeing family, it takes me back to being a kid and I can be even more real with them. He's so fun, hopefully I'll see him when I go visit my sis in January becasuse he's stationed there now!:)

This weekend I'm looking after our amazing dog, Cali. She's this Catahula, Australian Shepherd, and Great Piranese puppy.
She's gotten a lot bigger than this picture but she is the cutest thing ever.

Break from the Trainer life

2007-09-13T18:48:00.001-07:00

Why do I feel like I am sinning so bad when I have a conviction in my heart?! This is just a date! It just so happens that this is a date with a guy who doesn't have a relationship with God. This may sound like I am judging, but if I'm going to date someone, they NEED to share the same faith as me. So. This Saturday night we're meeting in Walnut Creek for dinner and a drink. I know nothing can happen with this but dates are always fun. He's a nice guy and I don't mind making a new friend. I just need some kind of validation that I am doing the right thing. I pray that God would shut the doors if He doesn't want this to happen. And that he would keep the doors open if He does.

Today I got off work early because the whole family took off for the Reno Air Races. I went last year and I had so much fun. I have pictures somewhere but I just don't know why they aren't on my computer. This year I needed a break from the Trainer life. I need rest, I need to get some things done. And I have a pretty good weekend planned out for me. :)

I am just going to take this date for what it is, go with it, and have fun!

You are my Soundboard

2007-09-12T23:11:00.002-07:00

I love to talk. It's just what I can do best. I need a place, a soundboard if you will, to lay my thoughts on so that I don't just talk out loud "just to talk". It's important to me to balance my words out so that when I do say something; it's worth hearing, and its not just my opinion. Plus I want a place to share my thoughts on the Lord, thoughts on living as a Christian in an ungodly world. I am a girl who strives, struggles, fails, and tries over and over to be more and more like Jesus Christ. I have friends who don't know who Jesus is, they've been burned pretty badly or they've never been interested in God. They feel like God has turned their back on them when really it is them who have turned their back on God. I'm not always here to give you the play-by-play on my day schedule, but here to share the Jesus in me.

Lately I have been so confused about what God is wanting to use me for. Should I be worrying about it? Lately I have been having conversations with God begging Him to open doors and shut doors so that I can be at peace about the path I am on. I just want it to be the right path. The more I read into this the more I am realizing that I am human. I am not perfect. I am going to mess up and I need to accept that it is okay to mess up. We learn from our mistakes, sure there are consequences but thats what helps us remember not make the same mistake again.

Also lately I have been talking to someone (a guy) and we pretty much have a date set up for this weekend. But the more I talk to him the more I know that nothing can happen with us. When I was 16 I made a list of qualities that I wanted in my future husband and I vowed I was not going to mate just to date but that I would date to mate. I date to find my future husband. This man is so sweet, and he has a great heart but from the few conversations that we've had and the emails we've exchanged I know that this is not going to end in a wedding. (haha) We met on match.com; I've always felt sketchy about internet dating especially since my dad married a woman he met online. (It turned out great for him; but what if she was a psycho who was only interested in milking him for all he had?) So that is that.

I'm a nanny for four kids. I love my job, I really do its just sometimes it builds a whole lot more stress in me than it needs to.This week Susan, the mom of the kids I nanny, was gone from Sunday till today. I hate when she leaves; ESPECIALLY when I am in school. A lot of stress, no sleep, it seems my homework load is always heavier.

Okay, ENOUGH COMPLAINING.
Another thing in this blog that I want to do is PRAISE MY GOD. Today I was thinking as I was driving about how good my God is. I was thinking if I truly loved Him. I almost felt guilty because I wasn't sure for a minute there. Then I remembered all the extraordinary things he has done to help, protect, and take care of me. He has NEVER failed me. As long as I relied on Him, and trusted Him with all control things have always turned exactly how they were supposed to. I thank God so much for watching over me and for blessing me with the living situation that I am, the free tuition that I've gotten from the gov. board, the comfy bed I know that I won't have a duplicate of in yeeeeears, the car that gets me from point A to point B, and for the family and friends support system that I have along side of me.

My cousin is coming to town this Friday!!!! I am soooo looking forward to seeing him! Peace out!